Meet the Real Kim

By Kim

In my last post, I shared details about the handwriting analysis Betty Rozakis did on samples from my great-grandparents (the protagonists of The Oak Lovers). As promised, in this post I will show our readers what my writing reveals about me.

Those of you who have followed us for awhile know that I tend to be the quiet one in the What Women Write group, the one who may appear calm and observant in social situations and has no real difficultly with public speaking, yet who’s a mass of insecurity on the inside unless I’m talking with someone one-on-one. For my own analysis, I hoped to learn what my writing reveals about why I’ve always been so ill at ease in group situations.

It turns out that there may be a reason I’ve always related so well to my great-grandfather, Carl Ahrens! Here’s what Betty had to say. My own thoughts are interspersed throughout in italics.

Old Kim

Kim, you're not comfortable in social situations because you're camouflaging who you truly are and your creative forces. Stop thinking about how you communicate with the external world and focus on your individuality. Only then will you be able to evolve, progress and grow. The persona that you've chosen to portray yourself as is conservative, conformist, and non-independent! (That is the opposite of me. I’m actually quite liberal and adventurous.) You're misunderstood because you don't express yourself! People can't read your mind - stop hoarding it! I don't know how you dress…is it conservative or individualized? (You have a point. If I didn’t know me I’d take one look and think ‘frazzled Mommy pushing 40.’ Not flattering.)

You discuss an isolated childhood. Your earlier handwriting reveals sadness and there's strong evidence that you're still struggling with what you feel you should do as opposed with what you want! This is very similar to your great-grandfather Carl...were you not allowed to express yourself at home as a child? Your lack of self-confidence is similar to Carl’s. (No wonder I’ve always instinctively wanted to defend him even when he’s behaving like an a**! Hmmm…only child, isolated location, lack of appreciation for artistic pursuits by acquaintances, trying to appear perfect and blend in, happiest alone in the woods, quick temper…I share an awful lot of circumstances with my great-grandfather, as well as traits. This could be why his voice comes so easily to me while writing, and why I instinctively come up with forgivable motivations for less than stellar actions on his part.)

You feel like an 'awkward stepchild’ even among friends because you're afraid to spontaneously express yourself. You think too much! You analyze and store up sssssooo much knowledge in your head that you tend to lose perspective. (Yes, I do tend to live internally. Don't all writers do this?) You strongly identify with your family / peer group. (Yes. Family is everything to me.) You seek out adventure then become defensive. (Hmmm…) You're stubborn, determined and goal-oriented. (Me, stubborn? Well, okay, just a wee bit.) You give the impression of confidence, but feel socially inadequate. (Yep.) Your true self is more independent, cultured, active and adaptable. More creative, inventive, and productive. The outside world is the focus of your attention, but you inhabit yourself in the world of thought. Analyze less, observe more! (This explains why many people who know me on-line are puzzled when they meet me in person. Several have commented that I’m not at all what they expected. I sense disappointment and that just fuels my insecurity.)

New Kim

Some of what Betty had to say about me was hard to hear, and a few things I didn't agree with at all, but most of what she observed, without ever having met me, was amazingly accurate. For example, my tastes in many things run to the arty and eclectic, yet I wear T-shirts and cargo pants most days. I forget to put on makeup a lot. My hairstyles for the last decade or so have been ho-hum, low-maintenance, and have not displayed my personality in the slightest. My husband remembers when I’d dress sophisticated one day, theatrically the next, and in artfully ripped jeans and a hand painted (by me) Nine Inch Nails shirt on the third day. That was the girl he fell in love with, and so far he’s welcoming her back with open arms. My kids stared at my new hairstyle with horror – according to my ten-year-old I’m not supposed to look young and hip – but I’d rather have them moan a bit now than discover as adults that they never knew their mother.

I’m starting with the outside, since that’s what the world sees. Hopefully that will project the creative, sensitive, and quite approachable woman I know myself to be. I hope, when this book is out in the world, to meet many readers in person. I don't want them to scratch their heads and say to themselves that I'm much more fascinating on Facebook!

If anyone is interested in learning more about handwriting analysis, click here to go to Betty’s website.

Handwriting Analysis on My Protagonists

A few weeks ago author Stephanie Cowell posted an update on Facebook about meeting a woman who was able to tell a great deal about her character from the way she signs her books. Intrigued, I responded that I'd be afraid to know what my handwriting may reveal. A short time later, the lady in question, Betty Rozakis, contacted me and we started talking. She has over 20 years of experience and is the only American to have earned the Advanced Diploma from the British Academy of Graphology. I asked her if she would be able to analyze the handwriting of people who lived long ago and give some insight into their personalities. She said she could. Since the protagonists of The Oak Lovers were my great-grandparents and I happen to have quite a few handwriting samples, I jumped on the chance to find out more.

I specifically wanted to know what might have drawn seventeen-year-old Madonna to a much older, married, penniless and crippled man like Carl Ahrens. While quite handsome and a genius, he had a lot of things going against him. I also have a handwriting sample for Carl’s first wife, Emily, whom I know very little about, and wanted to know if I could learn anything about what may have soured that marriage.

Betty and I struck a deal. She asked for handwriting samples and drawings of trees, if possible, from Carl, Madonna and I. How convenient that Carl's specialty was trees!

Here are some of the things I learned, edited a bit for clarity. In this post I'll cover Carl and Madonna's analysis. I'll discuss my own in my next post.

Madonna was a highly intelligent young woman who was sensitive to other people's feelings and ready to help the withdrawn, discouraged and charming Carl. She was quite discouraged and sad herself and had a strong need for freedom, space, and air. She wanted to follow a firm path of action to allow for her ambitious creative talents. She had tall projects that she wanted to achieve. Perhaps her mother made the wrong decision for her in sending her to Roycroft. Your gifted and talented great-grandmother's character needed the systematic Boston Art School. It had more of the correct training that she craved.

She was a bit too idealistic, romantic and generous in her attitude with Carl. She had confidence in people. You stated several times that you caught your great- grandmother in a few lies. Her character needed to do the right and correct thing and took a personal obligation to 'fix' others....but in a graceful dutiful sort of way. During her marriage to Carl, she chose to cover-up and protect, she was altruistic and self-sacrificing. She had a strong sense of duty, moral courage and stamina. She was consistent, wise, loyal and traditional in her habits. She had a refined loyal calm, was comfortable with routine, but she knew how to protect herself when needed. She was sociable and amiable, but welcomed her time alone. She was quite vigilant and constrained her feelings. Her basic nature needed to have fun and relax along with introspective creativity. She was more able to achieve this once Carl passed away.

As for Carl, you mentioned that his mother never forgave him for choosing his father over her. From her handwriting I can tell that she was an undisciplined woman, more of a pleasure seeking type. Could it be that Carl's father preferred to squash his son's spirit with strict conformity? It doesn't seem possible that a young boy in that environment would be allowed such a choice. Carl's early handwriting reflects this.

During Carl's early years his character needed to conform in order to survive emotionally, an imposed persona, a stereotyped social attitude. This imposed convention percolated deep in his subconscious. His true self was buried underneath the scars of a wounded human dignity. Discipline - to 'soldier on' against all the odds – a silent misery. He had apparent tolerance, apparent sociability, apparent easy communication, but this imposed compliance, social imitation, and forced adaptation created HAVOC for his subconscious. His buried nature wanted to fight, hit back, break through, hence the 'fighting trees'. As a result – neuroses, fantasies, viciousness, brutality, all hidden behind a 'civilized' easy-going no nonsense social attitude. He was mistrustful, had hypocritical behaviors, extreme skepticism, arrogance and lack of common sense. His marriage to Emily perpetuated his squashed subconscious. From her writing I can tell she had a strict unyielding demeanor. She needed to protect and control and had an intrusive, insensitive character.

When Carl met Madonna she triggered the spontaneous emotional experiences that his character craved. It was a meeting of two subconscious souls....both in need. Carl feared emotional pain and compensated by engaging in pleasurable pursuits. He had a constant need for more.

By 1912 [at the height of his fame] Carl gained a self-confidence that didn't exist pre Madonna. He was dynamic, and enterprising but still needed to escape and expand and grow. He was jovial, expressive, sensual and had a targeted purpose. Unfortunately, Carl was unable to reconcile his innermost individuality with the imposed veneer of his upbringing. He hid his unspoken misery in the world of his dreams, as depicted in his trees.

After reading Betty's analysis, I was pleased to discover that she saw the same people I saw, and this confirmed my view that I had them "right."

Stop back two weeks from today and, as Betty would say, have coffee with Kim's subconscious. If you are interested in learning more about handwriting analysis, click here to go to Betty’s website.