What's Your Favorite Sentence?

By Kim

A friend of mine recently alerted me to a potential agent to query. After some research, I clicked over to the agency website for submission instructions. This particular agent uses an online form rather than a traditional query letter, something I’ve encountered before, but the questions she asks…well…there are a few doozies mixed into the usual fare. Two are especially challenging, but they are useful exercises for writers and, I imagine, helpful to her in evaluating queries.

Adventures in Queryland

One thing she requests is a log-line, or a (hopefully compelling) one sentence description of your story. Thanks to Twitter contests like Pitch Madness and PitMad, I’ve got that handy. If you currently reside in Queryland and have not yet gone through the agonizing torture process of writing a log-line, it’s an enlightening experience. Agents have differing opinions about using log-lines in queries – some love it, some hate it – but if you can’t compose one, your manuscript may lack focus.

Here’s the request that had me stumped for a while: “Please share a favorite sentence from the manuscript you are submitting.” 

This agent mentioned in an interview that leaving this space blank is the biggest mistake writers make. It’s the first thing she sees – above the query letter – and it is a good place to hook her.

What she essentially wants is a tag line, that sentence often seen on the cover of a book. Yes, this is a tough one but, again, it could be a useful exercise for any writer.

Don’t know where to start? Here are some ideas. 

A) Most writers can compose pretty sentences, but pretty does not necessarily equal compelling. The chosen sentence must have tension or at least intrigue. A potential problem: conflict-filled scenes are often filled with short sentences. Staccato. Difficult to stand on their own.

B) If the agent does not rep romance, for example, it may be risky to have a sentence involving sensuality, declarations of love, or any hint of melodrama.

C) The sentence should reveal something about your specific characters or story. If it doesn’t, it may be too generic.


I’ll play guinea pig here, and offer up my original list of potential sentences as an example. Some clearly fall into the pitfalls I mention above.

1) The varnish, like my smile, is but a protective skin painted over a wound that will take a lifetime to heal.

2) I lie awake most nights and imagine sorrow seeps from the cracks in our bedroom ceiling.

3) Under the right circumstances, any sin might be forgivable.

4)  I must let her leave, but I refuse to ever let her go.

5) Leaving her would be both my life’s greatest regret and an act of kindness.

6) Her touch is light, gentle, and it lulls me into such a drowsy state that I pay no attention to what she does until I feel the cold blade of the scissors pressed against my scalp.

7) I promised to love, honor and argue with him until death us do part.

8) My greatest fear is that God will punish me for this crime with a long and miserable separation before He allows me to join Carl in heaven.

9) I can’t be both a good mother and the wife Carl needs.

10) No matter what method I choose, creation’s process is physical, messy, and exhilarating—a sensual act filled with intoxicating smells and infinite variety.

11) I touch her back, a silent apology while the gentle brown rain falls onto the casket.

12) I’d rather suffocate together than languish apart.

The "Sound" I refer to in # 13 - Owen Sound, Ontario

13) When Carl paints well, his soul is like the Sound’s channel, where viridian and Prussian blue waves dance, collide, and merge into a turquoise vibrant enough to make my eyes ache.

14) Without me, he’d probably be ten years in his grave, but history would remember him as a Master.

15) He must be first; before the children, before music, before anything at all, and not just first, but second and third, too.

16) Barili dangles a golden carrot in front of her and my illness will forever shackle her just out of its reach.
 

When you have your list, send it to a bunch of people for their opinions. My What Women Write colleagues helped narrow my list ten. Here it is again, with strikeouts.


1) The varnish, like my smile, is but a protective skin painted over a wound that will take a lifetime to heal.

2) I lie awake most nights and imagine sorrow seeps from the cracks in our bedroom ceiling.

3) Under the right circumstances, any sin might be forgivable.

4) I must let her leave, but I refuse to ever let her go. 

5) Leaving her would be both my life’s greatest regret and an act of kindness.

6) Her touch is light, gentle, and it lulls me into such a drowsy state that I pay no attention to what she does until I feel the cold blade of the scissors pressed against my scalp.

7) I promised to love, honor and argue with him until death us do part.

8) My greatest fear is that God will punish me for this crime with a long and miserable separation before He allows me to join Carl in heaven. 

9) I can’t be both a good mother and the wife Carl needs. 

10) No matter what method I choose, creation’s process is physical, messy, and exhilarating—a sensual act filled with intoxicating smells and infinite variety. 

11) I touch her back, a silent apology while the gentle brown rain falls onto the casket.

12) I’d rather suffocate together than languish apart. 

Woodland Pool by Carl Ahrens - the "Master" in # 14

13) When Carl paints well, his soul is like the Sound’s channel, where viridian and Prussian blue waves dance, collide, and merge into a turquoise vibrant enough to make my eyes ache.

14) Without me, he’d probably be ten years in his grave, but history would remember him as a Master.

15) He must be first; before the children, before music, before anything at all, and not just first, but second and third, too.

16) Barili dangles a golden carrot in front of her and my illness will forever shackle her just out of its reach. 


We have a diverse group and all had strong opinions. No one agreed. I sent my shortened list to an editor friend and the one she chose (with plural exclamation points) confirmed my instinctual choice. I do not offer it here because I’m curious to see what you think. 

What sentence grabs you the most and why? Are there any you would cross off the list?